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Showing posts from 2017

Healing from the Inside Out

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When I was collapsing from the outside in, I immersed myself in finding ways to heal from the inside out. I was literally at the point where I would try everything, so I put it all onto an artist's palette (metaphorically speaking) and began to paint myself a new life. I literally changed everything about myself, just to test the waters on the other side, and found healing in places I never dreamed possible. Some of the very situations that used to make my skin crawl became my norm.
There are some things that I started before embracing a plan for recovery, but the important things stayed with me and fueled my hope for a healthy and happy life. One of the biggest shifts I made, that was inspired by my children, was how- and what I ate. I knew that what I grew up on, and how I always felt too skinny or too weak, was not how I wanted my children to feel. I started to learn about food, and as my voracious appetite for nurture grew, so did my desire for knowledge of the food system fr…

The Ultimate Breakup Playlist

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Katy Perry is arguably my favorite artist of all time. Her song, ROAR, helped me rediscover my strength when I was at an all time low. It's no secret that music heals, that it can bring us to life. When I first started listening to that song, it instantly transformed me into a confident and self-assured woman who had been knocked down, but re-emerged as a powerful force. At the time, I was teetering on the edge of my marriage and I heard everything I needed to hear from Katy. The past is the past, I can be strong now. 
A lot has changed since I created this breakup playlist. I've been through a divorce, a recovery program, I've transitioned into working full time and supporting my kids, and more but essentially I'm in a good place right now. I feel healed. So this morning, when my daughter asked, "why is this a sad song, but it doesn't sound sad" while listening to Katy Perry's The One That Got Away... I knew exactly what to say. It's because when…

From "I don't understand" to a New Understanding

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If I had a script of my inner voice during my times of deep depression, it would probably read, "why, why, why, I don't understand, what have I done?" Or something to that effect. Nearly every day I spent time wondering why I just couldn't understand or figure out my husband. I knew something was very wrong with our relationship, I just couldn't figure out what it was. Somehow, in all my years of turning to Disney princesses to try to understand love, I missed the essential fact that love is understanding.



It's as simple as that.

The thing about trying to love someone very complex and different, is that the challenge ultimately creates a very strong willingness to understand others. You see, I learned that if I could love someone like that, I could really open my heart to anyone or anything. That didn't just mean that I could open my heart for someone better to come along and sweep me off my feet. I could literally open my heart to bringing more understandi…

The Truth

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The thing about Step 1 for me, was that I was ALL-IN for it before I even walked into the rooms. I wanted nothing to do with the alcoholism around me, so I was willing to admit ANYTHING in order to escape it. "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." I could have admitted that in my sleep. In fact, it felt so easy and gave me such confidence that I felt buoyed towards Step 2 right away. I even remember thinking that I could check it off, move through Step 2 in February, and spend a month on each of the rest of the steps so I that I could make it to the end of the program in a year. It wasn't like that at all though.

Instead, steps 1, 2, and 3 felt a little like learning to crawl, walk, run. I would move forward and then slip back into the beginning as necessary. I literally found myself on my hands and my knees repeating Step 1 over and over again through tears after finding a string of naked pictures on my husband's phone. I …

Online Dating Safety Tips

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As more and more people are finding love online, even more people are finding losers, catfish, and frauds. Finding personal information on the internet is very simple, so there is really no excuse for not pre-vetting the person on the other end of your swiping screen unless your swiping was fueled by a few glasses of Chardonnay and you're willing to forgo the risks in place of the rewards. That being said, anyone can make a dating profile and find a connection.  If my ex was able to meet women on the internet while I was at home pregnant with his babies, you better believe that plenty of other two-faced guys are available for the next 45 minutes or so. It's possible that you don't care if he's married, jobless, or wanted in another state, BUT if anything on that list sounds like a turnoff, follow these steps to find out the dirty deets before getting dirrrty.

Start with your personal defense. 
1.) Share his picture, name, or phone number with a close friend  
2.) Get i…

59 things to do instead of calling your ex

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Recovery after a breakup involves more than just willpower, it takes an entire shift of habit. We become so used to speaking to our partner, that when the relationship cuts off we're left with a huge gap of time that could be filled with tears and tissues, or as an opportunity to create a fierce new self identity. Here are a ton of suggestions for how to fill the time instead of circling back to the broken familiarity.

1.) Call a friend


2.) Take a walk

3.) Read a book

4.) Color a mandala

5.) Spend a few mindful minutes in quiet

6.) Go to the library

7.) Look up a recipe

8.) Write in a journal

9.) Join a gym

10.) Go shopping

11.) Take a hike

12.) Make a spotify playlist

13.) Follow MindBodyGreen on Facebook

14.) Follow Dylan Werner on Instagram

15.) Wander through a book store

16.) Write a grocery list

17.) Do a workout

18.) Draw a picture

19.) Call a family member

20.) Read a blog

21.) Go to church

22.) Do a new hairstyle

23.) Listen to music

24.) Read a newspaper at the coffee sh…

North Star

Early on, when I was falling apart, a friend gave me the advice to, "find someone who has what I want and do what they did." I looked around a room of strangers sharing experiences and literally picked out a person who was wearing a shirt I liked and decided I would follow her lead... for the time being. Although I quickly learned that she did have more substantial things that I wanted- a relationship, character, a voice- our connection would be short lived because she also had something else I knew well- problems. Finding a sponsor in Al-Anon was harder than I thought.

At first I tried calling a few people with easily accessible numbers and reached out to them instead of screaming alone in my head. It was a relief, but brought about a hint of shame when I thought about the verbal onslaught of relationship woes I threw at them. It was no wonder that they didn't openly bring forth the offer to be a sponsor. Still, they did offer meaningful advice when I needed it most and…

Permission to be Imperfect

I am the opposite of a Pinterest Mom. Don't get me wrong- I love Pinterest, but I can't bring forth the magnificent artistry no matter how hard I try or how easy the pin claims to be. Take, for example, my cloth diaper board. I literally named the board about my toddler's poo pants "Haute Fluff" because I thought that shit was adorable and high fashion. Behind the screens, I dealt with more leaks than I can count and a broken dryer, spiders crawling in the sunning diaper rack, and the reality that I will never be *that* green no matter how hard I try. This is why my third baby is in sposies and my middle child pees the bed at age four. 

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm not perfect. Although in my vanity I do take 8 selfies before posting the shot online, I know that my imperfections are part of me and they are too numerous to count. However, there was a time when I thought that accepting my imperfections meant that I could label them all. I couldn…

Day 1

I've decided to crack my heart wide open and share my broken. It's fitting to start this on Valentine's because I feel that true love is in spite, or sometimes even, because of faults. My greatest fault was a misunderstanding of love. Call it codependency, narcissism, or naivety, there was a great ambivalence toward love in my heart. When my marriage literally ended (even though it was doomed from the start), I heeded the advice of friends and an exasperated therapist and set out for an Al Anon meeting. This is the story of my recovery.
On February 17, I coaxed my toddlers into the babysitting room and crossed the hall to room 121. An acquaintance had invited me to her meeting and shared the caveat of babysitting so I had no reason not to attend. I sat next to her and she offered me the gift of silence. "Just listen for the first six weeks," she said. I listened expectantly to strangers speaking in a gentle language I didn't understand. They promised I would f…