Relovery

Katy Perry is arguably my favorite artist of all time. Her song, ROAR, helped me rediscover my strength when I was at an all time low. It's no secret that music heals, that it can bring us to life. When I first started listening to that song, it instantly transformed me into a confident and self-assured woman who had been knocked down, but re-emerged as a powerful force. At the time, I was teetering on the edge of my marriage and I heard everything I needed to hear from Katy. The past is the past, I can be strong now.  A lot has changed since I created this breakup playlist. I've been through a divorce, a recovery program, I've transitioned into working full time and supporting my kids, and more but essentially I'm in a good place right now. I feel healed. So this morning, when my daughter asked, "why is this a sad song, but it doesn't sound sad" while listening to Katy Perry's The One That Got Away ... I knew exactly what to say. It's because

If I had a script of my inner voice during my times of deep depression, it would probably read, "why, why, why, I don't understand, what have I done?" Or something to that effect. Nearly every day I spent time wondering why I just couldn't understand or figure out my husband. I knew something was very wrong with our relationship, I just couldn't figure out what it was. Somehow, in all my years of turning to Disney princesses to try to understand love, I missed the essential fact that love is understanding. It's as simple as that. The thing about trying to love someone very complex and different, is that the challenge ultimately creates a very strong willingness to understand others. You see, I learned that if I could love someone like that, I could really open my heart to anyone or anything. That didn't just mean that I could open my heart for someone better to come along and sweep me off my feet. I could literally open my heart to bringing more unders

The thing about Step 1 for me, was that I was ALL-IN for it before I even walked into the rooms. I wanted nothing to do with the alcoholism around me, so I was willing to admit ANYTHING in order to escape it. "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."  I could have admitted that in my sleep. In fact, it felt so easy and gave me such confidence that I felt buoyed towards Step 2 right away. I even remember thinking that I could check it off, move through Step 2 in February, and spend a month on each of the rest of the steps so I that I could make it to the end of the program in a year. It wasn't like that at all though. Instead, steps 1, 2, and 3 felt a little like learning to crawl, walk, run. I would move forward and then slip back into the beginning as necessary. I literally found myself on my hands and my knees repeating Step 1 over and over again through tears after finding a string of naked pictures on my husband's phone